so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
