Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
