The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I got her a Nickelback box set.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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