I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
