i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
