Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
