I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
