I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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