She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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