On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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