Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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