I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
