i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
