Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
