We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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