she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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