best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
