i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Holy sore nipples Batman
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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