I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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