Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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