Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
