This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I want to fling myself into the sun
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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