I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
