the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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