Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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