I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
