What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Randomize
