One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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