Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I enjoy the company of your penis
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
