and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
