I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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