I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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