Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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