She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
