If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
