Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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