My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
