Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
