I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
