im having a threesome with these popsicles
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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