So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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