She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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