He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
