if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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