So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
