i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
