dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
