You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
