enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
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