my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
