I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
