Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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