I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
