I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Randomize
