True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
