It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
