I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
