I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
