if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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