everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
