So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
my shit smells like andre
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
