my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
