The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
